Truth and Honesty in Marriage and Divorce

Truth and honesty are essential for Mediation and Christian Counseling to be successful. Philippians 4:8 tells us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” I recently worked with a couple that has relationship problems even after being divorced for several years. Neither will let go of their distrust, the past anger, and the disappointments shared while they were together and all the turmoil since their separation. In their continued effort to find fault with each other, they both have lost track of their own values, their self-worth, and their respect for each other. Not only do they have personality and distrust they abuse alcohol which compounds their distorted view of reality and what is truly at risk. Being so wrapped up in their personal war with themselves and with each other does not allow for either to accept help from their family members, their friends, and certainly not from their mediator or their counselors. Both parties find it easier to avoid the truth and fabricate the facts than to take responsibility for their shortcomings.
The first order of business for this couple (or in this case these single individuals that share a common set of problems) is to get them to realize their bad behavior is not only hurting them but is having a terrible effect on their children. The children watch and hear everything that is said and done and are forced to carry messages, endure passive and intentional abuse, and mimic behaviors that both parents display. As these children grow into adults they will carry with them the same attitudes, behaviors, and mistrust as their parent. This is the most important issue for all involved to recognize because the cycle has to be broken and new behaviors taught for healthy relationships to mature.
Mediators and Christian Counselors are faced with these circumstances on a regular basis and they have to be able to identify these issues and have a plan to bring about change in the participants and protect the children without violating any confidentially and professional standards. Mediators have to work between two opposing parties to find common ground that first of all protects the children and still allow both adults to feel as if they have won the argument. The Christian Counselor has to isolate the cause of these issues, determine the temperament that is being manipulated in a negative way, and redirect the person in a positive direction, and hopefully, bring on long term changes.