Relationships

The American Psychological Association defines “Relationship” as a continuing and often committed association between two or more people, as in a family, friendship, marriage, partnership, or other interpersonal link in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Merriam-Webster defines a relationship as a state of being related, connecting, or binding participants in a relationship or a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings and possibly a romantic or passionate attachment. In John 15:12, we are instructed, “This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you.” In First Corinthians 1:10, Paul writes, “I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” While on earth, Jesus enjoyed close relationships with a variety of people, and Jesus tried to demonstrate the importance of relationships and the need to have close relationships. We have all heard that life is full of choices, and relationships are where most of the life choices are made. These choices determine if we are in control and the amount of control determines the relationship’s success.

Mike Signorelli has written an excellent article about relationships called “Rip Up the List: 7 Biblical Truths About Relationships,” in which he describes relationships in a Biblical sense. Ephesians 4:32 states, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” A person’s attitude and demeanor will build or tear down a relationship. Proverbs 6:6-11 talks about the ant and how it is wise and productive. The ant has a good attitude and builds where the termite destroys. A person who thinks and considers their actions and chooses their words correctly will be supportive in their relationships and not be critical. Philippians 4:6–7 tells us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” In any relationship, it is easy to find areas to complain about and issues to disagree with. A smart person will make every effort to find a reason to ignore a fault and to forgive each other. Sometimes a simple “I am sorry” will go a long way. Ephesians 4:32 describes this by stating, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The person that controls their feelings and stays positive in their words and actions will be in control of their relationships. A person has to realize that the person in control will dictate what they take from a relationship. First John 5:14-15 reminds us, “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests we have asked of him.” A person involved in a relationship must influence the relationship by their expectations and fears. It is impossible to hide true feelings and fears and will carry over to the others in the relationship. If you often fear a negative action from others, you will bring that same reaction. Proverbs 10:28 reinforces this idea stating, “The hope of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.” And Acts 3:5 suggest, “And he fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them.” There is always some conflict or friction in relationships. We will disagree with our boss at work, be upset with the clerk at the store, get our feelings hurt by family members, and of course, our significant other will drive us to the breaking point. These periods of friction and conflict are not necessarily a bad thing.

Without friction between the tires on your car and the roadway, the vehicle will not move. Try driving on an icy road. Some friction or conflict is necessary to move forward. The discussion at work resulted in a new plan for a product, the store clerk decided on another career path, and the conversation with the significant other resulted in finding a new restaurant. All these examples depend on how our attitude and choice of words were used. The conflict and friction, if approached incorrectly, will produce negative results that no one wants to be a part of. There is an opportunity for every circumstance to end with divisions or closeness, anger or intimacy. The results depend directly on how the folks involved communicate and react to each other. It always takes two to argue but only one to refuse to cooperate. 

What benefit is there to resisting a positive relationship? Why would we ever refuse to cooperate in moving circumstances forward? The amygdala in your brain looks for threats from environmental changes and is hardwired to produce adrenaline that causes fear and fight and flight reactions. We are designed to look at changes and determine if it is good or bad for our well-being. Many people suffer from self-esteem issues and have a certain amount of doubt about why and how other people feel about them. This negative self-view sometimes causes us to fear positive emotions and resist feelings from others. This can describe relationships between friends, work associates, and especially with whom we are more intimate. Sometimes our fear, attitude, and uncertainty resist positive and loving relationships. These same people may have trouble showing their emotions and falsely believe others are having the same issues. This results in not trusting themselves and trust issues toward others. Lack of confidence keeps us from enjoying life, accepting positive change, and looking for solid relationships. Some refer to this attitude as having a fear of intimacy and refusing to believe they are worthy of other people’s affection. A healthy, thriving relationship ultimately depends upon honest, truthful, and sincere communication. It is necessary to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Hiding or ignoring your emotions, negative or positive, will cause a person to feel more distant, and often, it will cause resentment. You cannot expect those involved to read your mind or understand and interrupt your actions. If a person is straightforward and honest, it will also give the others involved an incentive to be honest, and sincere. If you hide the truth and get caught, you will forever have damaged your creditability. First John 4:7 tells us, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” And then James 5:16 reinforces this idea by stating, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”