Everyone wants to help those close to us. We want what’s best for them and we want to see them happy and safe. Most of us will try to take responsibility for their shortcomings and protect them from their mistakes even to the point of denying the truths involved. Sometimes, we must ask difficult questions and be honest in how we answer ourselves. Are we helping or harming the overall situation and those involved?
Karen Khaleghi Ph.D. in her article “Are You Empowering or Enabling?” published in The Anatomy of Addiction (July 2012) states “The desire to help others, especially those who mean the most to us, is one of the noblest of human instincts. Parents want to help their children succeed in school. Spouses want to help each other solve the problems that life throws at them. Friends want to help each other at work or in their personal relationships. Unfortunately, though, this well-meaning impulse can backfire tragically when addiction is part of the equation.” You must ask yourself if your good intentions are truly good intentions or are you a codependent and/or an enabler. You may not like the answer and you certainly will not like the outcome of your behavior.
Darlene Lancer (2016). Tells us in “Are You an Enabler?”. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/are-you-an-enabler/ (August 6, 2018), “Enabling is “removing the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behavior.” Professionals warn against enabling because evidence has shown that an addict experiencing the damaging consequences of his addiction on his life has the most powerful incentive to change. Often this is when the addict “hits bottom” – a term commonly referred to in Alcoholics Anonymous. Codependents often feel compelled to solve other people’s problems. If they’re involved with addicts, particularly drug addicts, they usually end up taking on the irresponsible addict’s responsibilities. Ms. Lancer goes on to remind the reader that “Their behavior starts as a well-intentioned desire to help, but in later stages of addiction, they act out of desperation. The family dynamics become skewed so that the sober partner increasingly over-functions and the addict increasingly under-functions. This builds resentment on both sides, along with the addict’s expectation that the over-functioning partner will continue to make things right when the addict doesn’t meet his or her responsibilities.” In another informative article, Dr. Allen Schwartz in MentalHelp.com (January 2007) called DR. SCHWARTZ’S WEBLOG states that “Codependency occurs when another individual, perhaps the addict’s spouse or family member, is controlled by the addict’s addictive behavior. Codependents become codependent because they have learned to believe that love, acceptance, security, and approval are contingent upon taking care of the addict in the way the addict wishes. In their decision-making process, they allow the addict to define reality. Unfortunately, this excessive caregiving behavior tends to foster even more dependency on the part of the addict.” Dr. Schwartz then tells us “Enabling behavior occurs when another person, often a codependent, helps or encourages the addict to continue using drugs, either directly or indirectly. Examples of individuals involved in enabling behavior are a spouse hiding the addict’s disease from neighbors or their children by lying for the addict and a so-called “friend” giving the addict money to buy drugs.” This is just a very few behaviors that codependents or enablers will participate. Taking on work responsibilities, financial responsibilities, parenting responsibilities, and other characteristics attempting to avoid or postpone negative or hurtful outcomes or to protect family members being affected by the source of the problem. Many times, these efforts carry over into Multi-generational parenting where grandparents must take on parenting responsibilities for their children and grandchildren which can easily become another situation of enabling or codependency. The opposite circumstance is Parentification (wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification) where the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as the parent to their own parent. … Emotional parentification occurs when a child or adolescent must take on the role of parents or family members because the actual parent is not performing. This circumstance is a strong codependency that is very difficult to correct because the child now feels responsible for their wellbeing and the wellbeing of the parent. This is a huge responsibility for an adult and even bigger for a child or grandparent.
Are you an enabler or are you a codependent? If you have concerns you can ask these questions and get a feel for your circumstances or those that you are concerned about. Do you ever feel like you are being taken advantage of and not appreciated? Do you have trouble separating your emotions and problems from others? Do you find yourself angry at the person you are trying to help? Do you find yourself making excuses for someone’s injurious behavior and unacceptable actions? Do you ignore your personal responsibilities to handle the responsibilities of another? Do you ever tell a lie to cover up for someone’s mistakes or poor behavior? Are you forever searching for excuses for someone’s behavior? Do you feel afraid that someone will get mad at you if you don’t cover for their mistakes? Are you blaming circumstance or others rather than the true source of the problem? Do you ignore your family, your responsibilities, or yourself to defend or take care of the other person’s problems? If you answered yes to any of these you may have problems, but if you answered to several or all you need to change your circumstances as soon as possible. Talk to your Pastor, visit a counselor, talk to your medical doctor, to get help and find a successful way out of this addiction. Do not seek help from those that are involved in the codependent relationship or someone that is being enabled. They will not see a problem and will react negatively to the idea that there is anything wrong. Circumstances involving codependency or enabling are always either spiraling upward (becoming better) or spiraling downward (getting worse), they are never static or standing still. Without proper outside help, the downward spiral will get worse and worse, ending badly for all those directly and indirectly involved.